I am a Terrible Parent

I'm a terrible parent. It's true. The evidence is everywhere.

  It's all I've been reading about these past few weeks. My Facebook feed is filled with stories and statistics about how my over-parented offspring barely stand a chance in life. All of my well meaning help, advice, support and love has evidently crippled them and left them unable to make choices and fend for themselves in the real world.  At the first sign of rejection or adversity, they are apt to curl up in a ball and stay that way until I come to their rescue. They have been over-indulged by my helicoptery (yes, I made up that word) parenting style, and now they are doomed.

Up until a few days ago, I was actually buying this. It's been a rough few weeks, for so many different reasons, and I let this sort of stuff get to me and make things worse. Lots of self-recrimination, self-doubt and wishes to turn back time and do things differently. Well, I've given this a great deal of thought and  here's what I say now...BALONEY!!!

I can't for the life of me understand why so many people spend so much time looking for ways to put everyone else down or make them feel inept, misguided or broken, or at the very least failures at the one thing they thought they had done well. After reading all of this new "research", I am so very grateful that I am not the parent of little ones anymore, because I think I would be paralyzed with fear at the thought of doing everything so completely wrong. At least I had the good fortune of getting my kids to 20, 18 and 14 before realizing how badly I bungled everything.

Many moons ago

I am a good parent. Great on some days, significantly sub-par on others, but on balance, I am good. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Yes, tons of them. Here are a few...

• I should have taught them to do laundry sooner (definitely sooner than the day or week before they left for college. Oops.)
• I should have bought them fewer things
• I should have given them more chores
• I should have stayed off of Parent Portal and not micromanaged their schoolwork (I wish Parent Portal was never invented)
• I should have given them much better money management skills
• I should have given them a much stronger foundation in a church. I never had it, so I did my best, but I really wish I had done more. I'm still trying.
• I should have held out longer on things like cell phones, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter
• I should have said "no" a lot more when "yes" didn't feel completely right
• I should have worried far less if they liked me or not (but that goes for everyone in my whole life, so this is a skill I'm still trying to master)

But there are many, many things I did that were right (for me), and that I would do all over again, and that I will continue to do, regardless of the naysayers. 

• I told my kids I loved them a lot, OK, a crazy amount. Sometimes several times in the same phone conversation. I will continue to do this. They will always know how very much they are loved.
• I raised children with excellent table manners. I think it's really important and will get you far in life. We used to play "the queen is coming to dinner" game while practicing when they were little. 
• I taught my kids to always be polite to their elders. To this day there have been very few reports to the contrary
• I taught my children to look people in the eye and to shake hands
• I taught my children to always have an opinion
• I taught them to love food and great big family meals. It's where the best stories are told.
• I taught them to love travel and adventure
• I taught them to love books
• I taught them to hold doors
• I apologized when I was wrong
• I taught them that no topics were off-limits. I did this by talking to them about EVERYTHING, even the embarrassing and really awkward stuff, and I did it often. I did a lot of this talking in moving cars. They can't escape.
• I taught them that if they have a choice that will make someone feel good or someone feel bad, that should be the easiest choice they make. It starts with sharing a toy or a seat at a lunch table, but carries on to so many bigger choices in life.
• I taught them to love animals and babies
• I showed them that service to others matters and told them that they have so much to give
• I listened
• I praised them...a lot. I refuse to put this in the negative column.
• I took them lots of grown up places and trusted that they knew how to behave. Kids can't be expected to behave in restaurants, museums, hotels, etc. if you never give them the chance.
• I told them they were smart, and beautiful and kind, because they are.
• I asked too many questions, but as a result, I got a lot more information than most moms
• I taught my kids to be confident public speakers, a life skill that will never be wasted
• and I told them I loved them some more

I have watched each one struggle through hard times, from middle school mean girls (and yes, they are the worst), to bigger disappointments, and even through some really big things that I wished I could have protected them from forever. I helped in any way I could, even if that help could only be crying right along with them sometimes. I refuse to believe that praising them less and letting them fail more would have really made them more ready for the lives they are trying to live now (but the money management skills would have helped). And even if all of these articles are right and I am wrong, my kids knew (and always know), that they are never alone, no matter how far away they are.

So while they were clearly over-indulged (and still are to this day), over praised and definitely "over-parented", I think my kids are amazing, good, kind people, and I have every confidence that (with a few stumbles, I'm sure) they will forge their own paths into their own happy adult lives. They are not perfect. I am not perfect. We are, however, pretty perfect together.  And in case you didn't know...I love them.

I know my use (and non-use) of periods in my bullet points will make some of you crazy. I should fix it, but I'm just so grateful to publish this post after so much time has past, that I'm going to let that go.

Denise

Hanging in There

My last post was two days before Cole's graduation, almost a whole month ago now.

 He left for college ten days after graduation, and I have to be honest, my heart broke a little ( OK, actually a lot). He was so ready and so happy that it was hard not to be happy for him, but I do not like him being gone one bit. I miss him terribly. Which is kind of funny, actually, because he really wasn't home all that much before he left. He managed to cram a whole lot of fun into those ten days. But his head was on his pillow at night, right where I like it. Well, except for the night he and his pals slept on an island in the Delaware...but that's a story for a different day.

We keep in touch primarily via short, witty texts, but I have had a few phone calls, two of which lasted more than 45 minutes each!  When I shared that with my good friend and neighbor, she informed me that she didn't think her teenage son had spoken to her for 45 minutes straight since he'd been in high school. I guess I should count my blessings and be glad that I raised another talker. The best part of my last conversation with Cole was when I told him I was trying to give him space and not call or text too often.  His response..."Mom, I don't need that much space." Glee! That's what I felt right then!

So this is what's been happening since he left...

Katie was in Secret Garden. A wonderful show with beautiful, haunting music. I never get tired of seeing her onstage.

Abbey spent a week at Singing Camp with some good friends and I got to enjoy her awesome concert last Thursday.

I cut off all of my hair. I decided to give the Claire Underwood look (from House of Cards) a try for the summer. It so easy. I love it.

My family completely indulged me and took me to fireworks for July 4th. I am sucker for really good fireworks and it had a been a few years since I'd seen any.

The hardest thing I've had to do since Cole left, is leave for vacation without him. We had planned this year's vacation for July instead of August so that we could all be together because Katie and Cole both left for college at the end of the summer. A three week getaway.  We weren't banking on summer session when these plans were made last October. That's what I get for always trying to outsmart fate by planning things to a T.

 But here I am, in my favorite place on earth. The place were I feel the most complete, the most at peace, and the most like my very best self. I hope you like it too, because odds are, every post for the next three weeks will feature this sweet little corner of the world. 

 The view from my bedroom deck

 Navy ships in the harbor

 Sailing School

I'd love to hear about your place. Where would you be if you could be anywhere?

Denise

Eleven Days and Humble Thanks

My boy leaves for college in 11 days. He graduates from high school in two. I'd like to stop time, but I know that would only be for my benefit, not his. His face lights up these days at the thought of what lies ahead. I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.

Cole's graduation party was a big success! Lots of great food, friends and family. 

I think the highlight of the day for Cole was a surprise visit from the town ice cream man. There is only one ice cream truck in town, and all of the kids have known Slobie since they were little. It was a big hit, with everyone. Cole even got to spend some time in the truck.

My favorite part of the day came later when Cole, his uncle and his friends sat around the fire pit playing guitars and singing. He sang Rocky Mountain High, which gets me every time (more on that here). It was a memorable day.

Monday night was Baccalaureate. What a beautiful evening.  Great performances and great speakers.

Late Monday night, I was browsing through Twitter and saw a tweet from Cole. I typically hold my breath when reading Twitter, because Cole has been known to tweet some "heat of the moment" things that I'd love to leap into cyberspace and erase, but that night was different. He had tweeted out enormous praise to a girl at school that he barely knows. She had gotten up and read a long poem at Baccalaureate about some of the struggles she's had in high school and what it all meant going forward. My heart was full. 

And my heart if full of humble thanks this morning to Sarah at Clover Lane. I have a guest post today as part of her Coming Home series. You can read it here. Sarah's blog is my absolute favorite, and reading it gave me the courage to start my own. I was honored when she asked me to participate. Thank you, Sarah!

Denise

To Do List

With Cole's Graduation Party in two days, here is my to-do list for today...

Rinse off Adirondack chairs out back

Organize all the paper products and wrap knives & forks in napkins for basket

Confirm what time tent is arriving on Friday

Finish washing all extra comforters for Cole's post party sleepover

Plan Father's Day breakfast for Sunday

Continue to pray that the rain stops and the sun comes out by Saturday

Finish Cole's slideshow and add music. Try to keep the tears to a minimum

Breath

Try to forget that my boy is leaving for college in just 17 days

I think I'll get through the first few things. Not too sure about the last three items. Wish me luck.

Denise

This Really is It!

One night, about two weeks ago, through a series of clicks and wanderings on the computer, when surely I should have been doing any number of  "more important things", I came upon this video. It is worth every second of the 5:31 it will take you to watch it (plus the few extra seconds you'll need to get up and get a tissue when the tears are streaming down your face).  Go ahead...I'll wait.

Kelly Corrigan

Wow, right?  Kelly so beautifully and eloquently put into words exactly how I feel about being a mom to my kids. What a privilege and honor it is to be their mom (except in those moments when they are torturing me about something :) )  My whole purpose for finally starting this blog (read here) was to write/reflect/urge myself through this stage in motherhood where I don't feel my footing is as strong as it was when my little people were grabbing me around the legs or twirling my hair while I held them on my hip, frantically trying to throw dinner together before Mike walked in the door. I may not have known it then, but those were the easy days. 

I have never regretted one moment of my choice to be at home all of these years, but every one in a while, when I hear of a friend or school mate who is a mom AND has some fabulous career, I wonder if I'll be able to find that calling or purpose in the future, or, more importantly, if anyone will see my value after all of these years.

After listening to Kelly, I've spent more time reflecting on all of the amazing days and years with my little ones,

 and trying to savor exactly what's happening right now, this minute, with each of them. 

 I'm trying to worry less about where this road will take me, and just enjoy the ride. The future, my future, will sort itself out when the time is right.

 I still miss the early days with my beautiful, sweet babies, but i wouldn't go back... not really. They have grown into such interesting, complicated, fabulous, kind, smart people. It was such a great journey getting to this point. I am so grateful for all of it. Don't get me wrong, it's not all sweetness and light at my house all the time (as I'm sure my kids could tell you), but it's real and it's ours, and there is no place else I would rather be.  Thank you, Kelly Corrigan, for the beautiful reminder.

Denise

What Love Looks Like

I am married to a great guy. He is so many wonderful things, but if I listed them here and he ever saw it, he'd be mortified. He is a humble guy, and a man of few words. I can tell you what he is not, however. He is not a gusher.

 He does not profess his love at every turn, he is not full of compliments and he most likely won't notice if I'm wearing something new. When I ask him how I look (usually only if we're headed out somewhere nice), his answer is almost inevitably "fine". Oh, and don't let me forget to mention this...he HATES Valentine's Day and refuses to celebrate it.

 For years I secretly (OK, not too secretly -- sometimes quite vocally) wished for the "romantic comedy" type of husband. You know, the guy who always says and does the most romantic things.  And then I started paying closer attention.

 Mike does profess his love and care for me and our family...and he does it often. His way is more subtle and quiet -- just like him. Here's what love looks like...

 Grilled Asparagus Pizza with Sun-dried Tomatoes, Caramelized Onions and Fontina - A huge favorite at our house

 Seared Scallops wrapped in Bacon with Fresh Sage and Golden Delicious Apples

 A Snack Cake Birthday Creation he made for Cole's Sixteenth Birthday Guys Weekend

 Our Gorgeous Thanksgiving Turkey cooked on the Weber grill every year

 Lobster Risotto

Ice Crean Sandwiches with Chocolate Chip Cookies, Bananas, Toffee, Hot Fudge and Vanilla Icecream

Homemade Bellinis starting from Fresh Peaches

"Mike's Potatoes" - Delicious Potatoes cooked with tremendous amounts of butter, garlic, Swiss cheese and love

So there it is, folks. One man's quiet way of showing everyone around him how much he loves them. He takes what little free time he has (and he truly has very little), and he creates beautiful meals for us. These meals give us the moments together that grow into some of our favorite family memories and stories.  That kind of love can't fit on a Valentine. <3


Disclaimer: These photos were snapped with my phone, and long before I knew they'd show up in a blog post. Next time I'll pull out the good camera to do Mike's meals justice. A food stylist I'm not. But boy, were these things delicious!

Denise

Perspective is a Wonderful Thing

I thought I was having a tough few weeks. Turns out I was wrong.  Here are the things that were happening:

• Cole was home sick with what we thought was the flu, but actually turned out to be mono. He has two AP classes this semester, and I hate to see him feeling so awful, and also missing school and having to scramble to catch up.

• Katie was going through sorority rush at college, and for a minute there, it didn't look like things were going to go her way. It was heart-wrenching. She is such an amazing girl, but fairly often, things just don't go the way they should, and Katie ends up with the short end of the stick. It's not fair or right, but it happens, and as a mom, it's terrible not to be able to fix it (everything DID work out perfectly in the end).

• Abbey's weather anxiety kicked in big time yesterday  (more on that in the coming weeks). The weather has gotten a bit warmer, which is causing some freaky thunderstorms. She's on a field trip today, so dealing with her worries last night was challenging to say the least.

These things, and some other disappointments and aggravations were all weighing on my mind and heart and, if you had asked, I would have said it wasn't a great week.

And then I read Facebook this morning. 

There on my news feed was a post from a woman I recognize from town (and from other friends' Facebook pictures) but don't know personally. I will call her Jane.  Because my friends commented on her post, I was able to see it. It said:

Game On! First Chemo starting now!

Below that one line was a smiling picture of this strong and brave woman receiving her first treatment. 

 I was blown away by her amazing courage and her beautiful smile at the beginning of a journey that must be so daunting and terrifying. I was struck by the sudden urge to know her, so that I too could write words of support and encouragement below her picture, and find ways, however small, to lend my help and support to her and her family.  In an instant, Jane put my "bad" week into perspective. All I could think about was Jane and her family, and the struggles they had ahead of them. And there she was, facing all of that with a smile on her face.

I'm not saying that the things happening here at our house weren't real or worthy of some genuine mom stress and worry, but they were little things; little bumps in wonderfully full, rich lives filled with good health and lots of love. And don't get me wrong, as a family, we have weathered some really big, horrible bumps too. But not now, thankfully, and certainly not this week. 

In the quiet moments today and in the coming days, I will think of Jane and send her prayers and good thoughts for a quick and full recovery, and I will remind myself, often, to be grateful for this week.

Denise

Puppy Pangs

It's been ten months since we lost our beautiful Cooper to cancer. It was an awful, devastating loss in an already horrible year, and none of us are really over it, or probably ever will be. We miss Cooper constantly, and everyday, something happens to bring him to mind. Cooper was our first dog, and Mike's very best friend. He was a bit neurotic and needy (sort of like me) but also loving, protective and loyal to a fault.

Cooper and Abbey were both so small back then

After two years on his own, we gave Cooper a brother. Having two golden retrievers and three children was probably a bit crazy (not the three children part!). I spent many of the early days wondering what I was thinking. I said then, and I still believe it today, that having and caring for babies is FAR easier than caring for puppies. But two dogs together are really the sweetest thing ever. Cooper, grudgingly at first, made room in his life for Mason, and the two were inseparable.

Mason's first day at home

Are you really going to let him drink from my dish?

This is my favorite picture of the boys

Helping Mason adjust to life on his own these past 10 months has been hard. In the beginning, it was heartbreaking. If you mentioned Cooper's name, Mason's head would shoot up and he'd look all around for his friend. We have all tried to fill the empty place left by Cooper with more walks, more playing, more snuggles. But it's time. Time to start. Time for Mason to shine as the big brother. Time to turn the house upside down again with a crate, puppy training, chewed shoes.

I will regret this decision for a minute when spring or summer rains leave our backyard a swampy mess and this is what I have to deal with...

but it will be worth it all when I think of these times.

No puppy will ever replace Cooper, but he will be a beautiful reminder of the gorgeous boy who started us on this incredible journey.

Denise

Here Goes...Explaining The Road From October

I've been meaning to start this blog for a long time now. In fact, I did start one in September of 2012, when my oldest, Katie, left for college, but it just wasn't the right time. So I set a new goal -- October 2013. Yes, I do realize today is February 15, 2014. So you've learned something about me already. I am filled with good intentions, big plans and lofty goals. Sometimes I hit them, sometimes I don't. Let me explain...

In our house,  the "rule" is that all college applications must be completed and submitted by October 1st of your senior year. I didn't come up with this on my own. Someone very wise gave me this advice. If I could remember who it was, I would give them complete credit here and now, but my 47 year old brain cannot recall this important detail. This "rule" turned out to be the best rule I ever made. In 2011, when Katie was applying to schools, she was a procrastinator. We have an amazing relationship, but it was put to the test by the college application process. By insisting that all applications be done by October 1st, we knew that the stress (and bickering) that we both felt would all be behind us, and she could get on with the fun parts of her senior year. It worked beautifully and I'd highly recommend it.

This is where all of Katie's hard work led her

Enter child number two. This fall it was Cole's turn to submit his college applications. We implemented the same rule, for all of the same reasons, and it worked like a charm once again. Cole actually finished all of his applications on September 28th (just to beat his sister, I'm sure). At the same time, I set a secret deadline of October 1st  for myself too. I had been struggling with the feeling that I was less needed than ever, and wondering where my path would lead me next. I decided that it was time to restart (or really, start) my blog. I've been writing for years, but only for myself. I've gathered a collection of essays that have been for my eyes only.

I didn't make my October 1st goal, for many reasons, but I did start...today. The Road From October symbolizes my path forward now that two of my babies are firmly headed down their own fabulous paths. I do know I'm still needed more than ever by all of them (Abbey is 13 and we have lots of busy years still ahead of us),  but I'm needed in different ways, and there is room now for me to also explore additional avenues for my time and talents. Being brave enough to take those steps is harder than I thought. But I will take the first step today by hitting publish. Nothing looks pretty or organized or professional yet. It is bare bones. I will figure it out as I go along. If I felt the whole blog had to look perfect on day one, it would be next October before a single word was written.

The best work of my life

Thank you to the blogs and bloggers that inspired me to do this. They are a very diverse group and I gain something different from reading each one. They each touch a different part of me, and I always look forward to their posts. I will talk more about each of them in a future post.  If I can figure out how to link them here, I will:

Clover Lane, So Wonderful, So Marvelous, views from my kitchen sink, 71 Toes, Lisa Belkin, Closet Cooking
Wow! I did it!

Thanks for reading. See you soon.

Denise