Eleven Days and Humble Thanks

My boy leaves for college in 11 days. He graduates from high school in two. I'd like to stop time, but I know that would only be for my benefit, not his. His face lights up these days at the thought of what lies ahead. I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.

Cole's graduation party was a big success! Lots of great food, friends and family. 

I think the highlight of the day for Cole was a surprise visit from the town ice cream man. There is only one ice cream truck in town, and all of the kids have known Slobie since they were little. It was a big hit, with everyone. Cole even got to spend some time in the truck.

My favorite part of the day came later when Cole, his uncle and his friends sat around the fire pit playing guitars and singing. He sang Rocky Mountain High, which gets me every time (more on that here). It was a memorable day.

Monday night was Baccalaureate. What a beautiful evening.  Great performances and great speakers.

Late Monday night, I was browsing through Twitter and saw a tweet from Cole. I typically hold my breath when reading Twitter, because Cole has been known to tweet some "heat of the moment" things that I'd love to leap into cyberspace and erase, but that night was different. He had tweeted out enormous praise to a girl at school that he barely knows. She had gotten up and read a long poem at Baccalaureate about some of the struggles she's had in high school and what it all meant going forward. My heart was full. 

And my heart if full of humble thanks this morning to Sarah at Clover Lane. I have a guest post today as part of her Coming Home series. You can read it here. Sarah's blog is my absolute favorite, and reading it gave me the courage to start my own. I was honored when she asked me to participate. Thank you, Sarah!

Denise

Music and Memories

Why is it that music can bring you back to a specific moment in a split second?  To a memory so crystal clear that it feels like yesterday.  It's happened a lot lately. More than usual.  Mostly great memories, some bittersweet, some sad, and only a few I'd rather forget.

 I'm  fascinated by music and memory.  I struggle to remember the name of an acquaintance before she gets to my end of the grocery aisle, and most of the time I can't remember why I went upstairs by the time I get there, but if I hear the first few notes, I can sing almost any song from the 50's and 60's (complete with dance moves too) and that isn't even the music of my generation. Those were well spent Saturday nights listening to WHDH's Saturday Night Live at the Oldies on the radio with my family. Clearly I would be able to remember where I left my iPhone (twenty times a day) if I didn't have two decades of oldies cataloged in my head.  But I'm glad I do. I love that the first few bars of  Mack the Knife make my heart overflow with love for my dad. What I wouldn't give to hear him sing it just one more time.

Carolina in my Mind will always be a sweet memory of my friend, TJ, and the soundtrack to a story he shared many years ago. He's an amazing man now, but I see that sweet college boy whenever the song starts to play.

I can't hear Rocky Mountain High without thinking of my brother, Donny. It always made me think of him and of his struggles, but after we lost him, it became my anthem to him.

I have a million more, but you get the idea.


The song that gets me these days (and probably every time I hear it for the rest of my life) is Brad Paisley's Letter To Me. This song makes me think of Cole, where he's been, and the great future he has ahead of him.

The tears have started again. So I'll stop for now.

What are your songs and the memories they bring back in an instant? I'd love to hear.

Denise

To Do List

With Cole's Graduation Party in two days, here is my to-do list for today...

Rinse off Adirondack chairs out back

Organize all the paper products and wrap knives & forks in napkins for basket

Confirm what time tent is arriving on Friday

Finish washing all extra comforters for Cole's post party sleepover

Plan Father's Day breakfast for Sunday

Continue to pray that the rain stops and the sun comes out by Saturday

Finish Cole's slideshow and add music. Try to keep the tears to a minimum

Breath

Try to forget that my boy is leaving for college in just 17 days

I think I'll get through the first few things. Not too sure about the last three items. Wish me luck.

Denise

Multi-tasking (also called Mothering) is Not for the Faint of Heart!

Wow! It's been quite a week. Scratch that. It's been quite a month (or months). There will always be a reason not to find time to write. But I feel great when I do, so I've got to find a way to make it a priority. Here are just a few things (most marvelous, and one not so much) that kept me running around and away from the computer...

Saturday:  Set-up for the amazing Relay for Life event!  I had the first shift, so my job was to get Abbey and her friends safely into the event, set up the tent and their supplies, and make sure they were all sun-screened (I'm a fanatic about this). I got to walk a few laps around the track with some friends and reflect on this amazing event and all the good work it does.The five middle schools in our school district run the largest school-run Relay for Life event in the country, and has raised over $2.5 million in the last 11 years! Pretty amazing for middle-schoolers! Abbey was part of a team of only six girls, and they were honored as one of the top three fundraising teams at their school. They raised over $2000 on their own! I'm so very proud of these girls!

Abbey took pictures of the luminaries honoring my mom, a lung cancer survivor, and in memory of my dad who died of liver cancer,  and my mother-in-law, who lost her battle to melanoma. Relay for Life means a great deal to our family.

At dusk the whole track is lit up with luminaries. It is such an amazing sight and Abbey knew I was sad to miss it. She texted me this beautiful picture.

After leaving Relay, Katie and I headed to NYC to see Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, This was Katie's big Christmas gift, and she'd been waiting months to see it. We had an amazing dinner in a little cafe -- great food, great conversation and lots of fun people watching -- and headed to the show.

 What an amazingly powerful show! Probably not a show for everyone, but we loved it! As I've mentioned before, Katie is my theatre girl, and waiting at the stage door is her most favorite thing of all. We went to the 7PM show, and found out immediately after the show that the cast would not be coming out until after the 10PM show. Katie was devastated. After some quick texting back and forth with Mike at home, I decided we would stay. Not a decision I made lightly. This would mean three extra hours in NYC before we even began waiting at Midnight. Katie was overjoyed!  In true Iafolla fashion, we realized the only solution was to find another restaurant. We passed some time in a wonderful Italian cafe, until we took our spot behind the barricade to wait...

Amazing actress and singer Lena Hall

NPH - live and in person!

Not my best iPhone camera work! But it was REALLY late and there was lots of jostling in the crowd!

As you can see, it was all worth it! Katie's feet haven't touched down yet!  The 2 1/2 hour drive home was brutal, but we kept chatting and made it home safely at 3:45 AM. Yikes! I can't remember the last time I was awake at that hour. My girl was over the moon...and my heart was glad.

Sunday: I'm sure lots of important things happened, but I was too exhausted to truly remember what they were. I know I made lots of lists in preparation for Monday's adventure.

Monday: Cole, Michael and I headed out at 7AM for the four hour drive to Georgetown University Hospital in DC. Cole needed pre-admission testing for his surgery the next morning (I talked about this here)  We capped off the day with a great dinner in DC. While we were all dreading the next day, we also had a wonderful night. I can't remember the last time that Mike and I had Cole all to ourselves. We got to talk a lot about friends, graduation and college (which is coming WAY too quickly -- but more on that later). Cole is insightful, and very funny, with his dad's dry sense of humor. I'm going to miss him so much when he's gone.

Tuesday:  Waking up at 4:30 AM is just wrong. Period. We arrived at the hospital at 5:45 AM and settled in for a long day of waiting. Cole was as cool as a cucumber. I was a wreck. At about 7 AM, I kissed my boy as they wheeled him off for surgery (sinus surgery, nasal reconstruction and three wisdom teeth pulled. UGH!). It was a bit surreal to be in this hospital again. Almost a year ago, Katie had her orthognathic surgery here, and spent three days in the pediatric ICU ( I will write about that eventually because I think could help some people facing the same thing -- but I'm not quite ready yet). We could have had Cole's surgery done much closer to home, but Katie's surgeon was so amazing that we couldn't imagine having anyone else operate on Cole. Three hours and two surgeons later, Cole was in recovery. The surgery went exactly as planned, and this is how he looked.

 Honestly, it was so much better than I expected. You may think that I'm invading his privacy by posting these pictures, but you don't know Cole. He tweeted these pictures moments after his eyes were open. I'm not kidding.

Wednesday: We had a follow-up appointment with Cole's primary surgeon and then began the long car ride home. Cole was in a lot of pain, but boy was he a trooper. Katie did an amazing job of holding down the fort and taking care of Abbey while we were gone. They were both thrilled to have us all back. Now began the several day struggle of finding things that Cole could/would eat and managing his pain.

Thursday: My baby turns fourteen!! How did this happen? I wish I could freeze time.  Here was my little tribute to my girl on Facebook...

Happy 14th birthday to my amazing baby girl. I love you more than you'll ever know. You are beautiful inside and out, and I'm so grateful that you're mine.

Yes, that is a giant doughnut cake! Isn't that the greatest thing you've ever seen? Abbey's big celebration (complete with mom's carrot cake) was happening a few days later over the Memorial Day weekend (pictures to follow), so a friend gave us this fabulous idea. It was a huge hit and a bargain...$10 for a giant doughnut that lasted for days. We've decided to get one for every Iafolla occasion from now on. Abbey's actually birthday didn't get quite the fanfare it deserved because of Cole's surgery and recovery, but we made it up to her on the weekend.

So that's a not so brief recap of a bit of what's been going on in our house. Some special moments with each of my kids, although Cole certainly got the short end of that stick this time. 

He's doing so much better and headed back to school yesterday. Hard to miss six days in your senior year. Six days of AP Statistics is a whole lot to miss...I think his head is spinning a bit! 

It felt great to be back at the computer, so let's hope it continues. More pictures of Abbey's birthday celebration to follow. There were lots of babies here, and I love babies. Until then...

Denise

Spring Break

Katie was home on spring break last week. I am so grateful that this is where she chose to be while many of her friends opted for sunny climates and carefree, parent-less adventures (and who could blame them?).

 The week with my girl went by way too fast, and I want her back.

 I want her back so that we can savor the many, many good times and stretch every awesome second out of them, but I also want her back so that I can pull out my handy little wite-out pen and smooth over the few bumpy parts of our week. The times when I said the wrong thing (or just said it one time too many), or when my exasperation about her way of doing something (read between the lines…not my way) came through loud and clear.  I hate those moments. I am immediately filled with regret, even when I know that many, probably most, of the things I say are things that she needs to hear.

These moments, the good and the bad, happen every day in every kitchen of every mom that I know. We do the best we can in that moment, but sometimes we really miss the mark.

 I am a mom who apologizes. If I get myself all worked up over an issue, or situation or teenage eye roll and then something harsh, or less kind than I intended comes out of my mouth, I will apologize. But I expect the same in return when it’s my child with the fresh tone, or snarky comment, or utter disregard for everything I’m doing (luckily this last one is rare). I will also apologize is I find out after the fact that I was wrong about something; a situation, a friend, or even just a trivial fact that I was so sure was correct. Again, I hold the kids to the same standard, with me, and with the other people in their lives. It’s a good balance, a give and take, and it works for us.

I am also a mom that speaks her mind. I can’t help it. The words are out before I can stop them. If you ask for my opinion, I will gladly give it. The trouble often comes when the opinion is out there and no one even asked for it. I was out last night with a bunch of really great ladies (subbing at Bunco – so much fun). One mom, whom I adore and wish I knew better, was talking about biting her tongue and not giving her opinion to her 21 year old daughter about a boy that the daughter really likes. I can understand trying to bite your tongue if you think it’s a mistake, or if the boy is no good, but this mom would like nothing better than for her daughter to give this boy and this relationship a chance. I would NEVER be able to keep that to myself. Truly. I know I should really try, and that one day my kids may have to silence me with a big, fat “butt out”, but it is just so hard.

So I say all this because these types of things are what make up the fabric of our family. It is the flawed and beautiful story of our lives, our collective memory, where we weave our relationships together built on mutual respect, give and take, good times, bad times, lessons learned, tears of sorrow and sadness and tears of laughter and pure joy shared together. Sometimes I say the right thing -- sometimes I don't.   I like to believe that at the end of any given week, there is far more good than bad, far more talking and sharing and hugging and texting with little happy, kissing, smiley face emoticons (I really love getting those!) than harsh words, loud silences and hurt feelings. And I really do believe that on balance we err really far on the side of the good stuff. We are very lucky. If one week is bad, or particularly hard, the next brings just the right amount of joy and laughter to fill the gap of the week before. I guess that’s how life works. One foot in front of another. Tomorrow is another day. Sunday starts another week.

All of this brings me back to Katie’s spring break. With only one week together, I always wish for everything to be perfect. But it can’t be. I’m not perfect. She’s not perfect (although, she’s close…insert kissing, smiley face emoticon here!). I hope she got off the plane and headed back to her dorm filled with a week full of good memories. I hope that she too used her little wite-out pen to smudge out our less than perfect moments. And I hope above all, that she returned to school with the overwhelming sense that her mom loves her with everything she has and everything she is. Because I do.

Here are some of the highlights of our week...

Cole picked Katie up at the airport and drove her straight to Abbey's performance of Dear Edwina. It was a complete and very happy surprise for Abbey, who thought that Katie would not see the show until the next day.

 This is one very proud big sister. Katie performed on this very stage for three years and is thrilled beyond belief to see her sister on it.

So, so proud of my little Periwinkle

Katie, Cole and I had a road trip to the DC area for a few doctors appointments. Cole has some upcoming sinus surgery and needed an evaluation, and Katie had her very final appointment, after two plus years, with her completely amazing maxillofacial surgeon. She had very extensive jaw surgery (orthognathic surgery) last June, something I will write about soon, when I can work up enough courage. 

While this may not sound like a highlight, it actually was. We absolutely LOVE Katie's doctor and his entire staff, so it was great to see them. We also squeezed in some really fun shopping at Banana Republic -- my favorite store these days! The bad part is, I think it is now Cole's favorite store too. Oops, I created this monster! But it was really a highlight because Katie and I had Cole in the car for a total of almost 8 hours that day. That much time with Cole almost never happens. He was funny, and fun and just a joy to be with, but he is a very social creature and does not spend a great deal of time at home with us these days. We laughed and talked and listened to a few episodes of This American Life (one of my very favorite things) through the magic of the iPod. We capped off the drive home with a stop at the Maryland House rest stop. Katie and I opted for our favorite road trip food, Nathan's Hot Dogs. Cole went off the board with this...

It was some sort of Fried Seafood Extravaganza. Not what I would choose at a rest stop. Katie and I were skeptical, but Cole proclaimed it the best rest stop food ever!

Katie and I had  planned a trip into NYC to pick up some dance shoes that had been a Christmas gift. We knew we would see a show while we were there. Katie decided to invite Abbey along on her "mom day", so we pulled Abbey our of school and went to see...

It was spectacular! We had such an amazing time! The children in the cast were phenomenal. We actually got to talk to them after the show while we were all waiting for our cars in the parking garage. They were so sweet and little, and their smiles beamed from ear to ear. My girls were thrilled.

 Abbey in Time Square

 Bad iPhone pictures -- but very happy girls. We got home very late, and Abbey was really tired the next day, but it was soooo worth it.

All of this fun AND my first born turned twenty while she was home. Happy birthday, Katie. It was a good week.

Denise

The Kissing Smiley Face Emoticon I Love

This Really is It!

One night, about two weeks ago, through a series of clicks and wanderings on the computer, when surely I should have been doing any number of  "more important things", I came upon this video. It is worth every second of the 5:31 it will take you to watch it (plus the few extra seconds you'll need to get up and get a tissue when the tears are streaming down your face).  Go ahead...I'll wait.

Kelly Corrigan

Wow, right?  Kelly so beautifully and eloquently put into words exactly how I feel about being a mom to my kids. What a privilege and honor it is to be their mom (except in those moments when they are torturing me about something :) )  My whole purpose for finally starting this blog (read here) was to write/reflect/urge myself through this stage in motherhood where I don't feel my footing is as strong as it was when my little people were grabbing me around the legs or twirling my hair while I held them on my hip, frantically trying to throw dinner together before Mike walked in the door. I may not have known it then, but those were the easy days. 

I have never regretted one moment of my choice to be at home all of these years, but every one in a while, when I hear of a friend or school mate who is a mom AND has some fabulous career, I wonder if I'll be able to find that calling or purpose in the future, or, more importantly, if anyone will see my value after all of these years.

After listening to Kelly, I've spent more time reflecting on all of the amazing days and years with my little ones,

 and trying to savor exactly what's happening right now, this minute, with each of them. 

 I'm trying to worry less about where this road will take me, and just enjoy the ride. The future, my future, will sort itself out when the time is right.

 I still miss the early days with my beautiful, sweet babies, but i wouldn't go back... not really. They have grown into such interesting, complicated, fabulous, kind, smart people. It was such a great journey getting to this point. I am so grateful for all of it. Don't get me wrong, it's not all sweetness and light at my house all the time (as I'm sure my kids could tell you), but it's real and it's ours, and there is no place else I would rather be.  Thank you, Kelly Corrigan, for the beautiful reminder.

Denise

Don't Forget to Breathe

So... it's been a week since my last blog post.

 I started to feel overwhelmed thinking that some of my ideas for posts might not make for good reading. And then I froze. Talked myself right out of writing for an entire week. I do that sometimes. Make something small into something huge in my mind. It grows and grows, and then I forget to breathe.

"Don't forget to breathe" is a phrase I'm very familiar with these days.  I hear it over and over while working out with Vinny, my amazing and ever-patient trainer. He met me a year and half ago when I began working out for the first time in my entire life at age 46. Apparently, when a particular exercise gets too difficult for me, I hold my breath. Still. So a constant refrain of "don't forget to breathe" follows me around the gym (more on my fitness and health odyssey very soon. There will be a few good laughs in that story).

 If only I had a "life trainer" reminding me to breathe when things get tricky in real life.

Link

And then today, I just decided that whether or not what I write is stellar, it is still more than I was writing three weeks ago. And the hilarious part of all this worry is that hardly anyone in the world even knows this blog exists. I think five people (one being my niece) have seen it so far. But those of you that have seen it, have been so kind and complimentary, and I didn't want to let you down. If we're going to have this relationship, you may as well know that I worry far too much about what other people think. I'm working on it. My goal was to break myself of this habit by the time I turned forty. My new goal is fifty. We'll see how that goes.

So for today, I just really needed to get this off my chest. For today, this is enough.

  Lots more posts brewing on the topics of decluttering, overindulged versus spoiled children (and I think there's a big difference), mean girls of the teen and grown-up varieties, my amazing book club women, my favorite place on earth (hint: bottom left hand corner of my banner), my absolute love of NPR and specifically Ira Glass, and solo travel (a gift everyone should give themselves at least once in a while).

So while I figure out the best time to get all of those thoughts in print, I'm going to try to not be so hard on myself.

And if your day isn't turning out exactly as planned, or the kids are sick, or it's snowing (again) where you live, or you're just second-guessing yourself, just remember --  don't forget to breathe.

Denise